the long exhale: a prelude

And what a long, sweet exhale it (usually) is.

No. You don't understand. It really does feel that good. You may think we're all crazy. And we are. You may think it's disgusting. And it really, really is. But there's a reason we all do it. And there's a reason it's so damn hard to stop.

Let me describe it to you.

First is the trigger. The stressor, if you will. There are so many of them, too. A long day, a heated argument, a satisfying meal, a tangle in bed or just the sight of someone else doing it: All of these create a desperate urge. Your fingers rub together. You lick your lips. And before you even get it between your lips you are breathing a bit harder. Whether it's the act of sucking or blowing pretend smoke or the anticipation of labored breathing associated with lungs full of smoke, there is a bit more than the effortless breath of a person who does not smoke.

There is also, of course, the fact that the desire doesn't need to come from outside. That is what an addiction is, after all. It's a need that comes from inside.

So then it's time to spark. The cigarette is in your mouth and if you smoke menthol, the sensation is immediate. Before you even light it, there's the cooling, mint sensation. And even if you aren't smoking a menthol cigarette, there is a slight taste, the slight aroma like that of a subtle, sweet, minty herb. There is the CHHHK of the lighter and sizzle of the flame kissing the other end of the cigarette. As you inhale, the cherry glows with a bright orange that Crayola has yet to duplicate and it fades as you pull your lips apart. Naturally, you inhale again, sucking the smoke further into your body from your mouth to your lungs.

At this point it still doesn't sound that appealing. You are essentially breathing in smoke, something you were probably taught not to do as a child. It goes against nature to breathe in something so foul. But although a smoker develops a taste for such an act, it's the last part that feels the best.

You may want to hold it in for a while, you may expel it immediately. Either way, the expulsion is what creates the desire. This is where it becomes natural. This is when you push the offending smoke from your lungs with a deep, full breath out. It's the release of a full stomach, unpleasant encounter, stressful experience in one breath.

Imagine that, alone. Imagine the ability to physically gather all that is bothering in you into your body through your mouth, hold it in for a moment and exhale. Whhhhhhhhhhhheeeewwwww. All of it gone.

But not quite.

So you inhale. Exhale. Clearer. Inhale. Exhale. Even more. Inhale. Exhale. It's almost gone. Inhale. Exhale. And there it goes.

Were it not so bad for you, so nauseous. Had it a better smell and taste, we'd all be doing it. Don't kid yourself. If the act were far more pleasant and easy in the beginning, far more people would be hooked.

But it is nauseous. It is putrid and disgusting and any reasonable person, smoker or not, understands completely how bad it is. This is the reason I don't fully understand or believe the claim of our forefathers, those who told us about how, "Back in the day, we just didn't know." Oh, they knew alright. Probably not to the extent we are all now educated about. I'm sure they didn't realize, once upon a time, that many people would be suffering and dying horrible deaths from several different diseases associate with tobacco products. But again, if the act of inhaling smoke is unnatural, well, we shouldn't have ever done it in the first place, no matter how good people say it feels once the addiction grabs a hold of us and slowly robs us of our lives.

Coulda, shoulda, woulda. Just as we all know about the many reasons we shouldn't smoke, we also know the many reasons why we do. All that's left is the decision: Do we continue to do this or do we find a way to stop?

And this is where I find myself. After growing up in a cloud of smoke - sorry, fam, you should have seen this coming - and, for whatever reason, deciding that smoking just fits who I am, I am addicted to a stick that costs me my money and my health. It costs me my ability to smell and to breathe well. It has stained my teeth and made food unappetizing at times. And hell, I stink. Smoke is not a nice smell no matter which way you look at it. Even as a smoker, I don't like the smell of it on me or others. More, I've made decisions that have taken away my independence and I am no longer in a position of complete self-service. What I do to myself affects others. Thus, it's not as simple as claiming a victimless act.

I am not too proud to admit that being selfless was not enough to make me quit. The bottom line is that I just don't have the funds to support the habit anymore. Truthfully, I never really did. But whatever.

I'm turning in my notice to the R.J. Reynolds Tobacco and Philip Morris companies and thanking them for their assistance during some rather stressful times, hoping that I have not done irreparable damage to a body that needs to live some years to make sure the offspring are doing alright and looking forward to the extra dough I'll have as I drop what is roughly a $4-a-day habit.

There is less than a pack of Marlboro Mediums left between me and the man. And then it's smoke-free for us. Yes, my partner-in-crime plans to take this journey with me but there's a good chance we'll both falter. I guess we'll see who does so first if we don't manage to stick to it till the end. We should put some money on it. Or make some kind of wager. I function better if it's a competition.

It's not going to be fun or pleasant for me or any of the people around me. I'm a pretty moody person, naturally. I don't have a low-maintenance life and I have more than enough on my plate to send me to the brink of insanity even with my release-in-a-stick. I might have to stop talking to people altogether until the twitching ends, the cold sweats stop and I no longer feel in danger of becoming She-Hulk.

Because I really, really do like my cigarettes. I'm going to miss them so.

T-minus-17 cigarettes and counting.