how we did it: potty training

That is, we didn't.

Let me explain.

As my first son neared his second birthday, I was aware that this was the time many toddlers started potty training. I knew that, as a boy, he'd probably learn later than most girls do. But I also knew that there was another baby on his way: I was near the end of my pregnancy with my second son. And from all that I had read, this was not the time to begin potty training an older child. We were advised to keep big changes separate if we could. There was no stopping the baby who was on his way. I couldn't ask him to hang out a bit so I could potty train his big brother and allow him to deal with that, first. So potty training was put on hold for a bit.

When we knew we were over the new baby transition, we did all the things we were told to do by the experts, by doctors and magazine articles and parenting books. We were a step ahead of many people as, by this time, my usually advanced toddler was fully conversational. He could understand all the things we were saying and could talk back. He had his own potty chair, he knew what it was for, we asked him often if he was ready to use it whenever he looked like he was doing his business in his diaper. He accompanied us to the bathroom to see what he was supposed to do in the potty. He expressed interest in using the potty. But he also expressed, very clearly, that he was not ready to use it just yet.

The months dragged on and he was turning three. And then more months followed and when he was half-way to four, he still wasn't showing readiness.

This didn't sit well with some people. Some adults, whether they were part of our family or not, whether they had recent experience with children or were a good thirty years past their baby-raising years, whether they even had kids or not, insisted that he was way too old to be wearing diapers, either the traditional kind or pull-ups. Some parents said pull-ups were a waste of time. I got advice from all directions and some of that advice was not much appreciated. At one point, I was given a book written by a woman who had no experience with child-care beyond having trained her one child much earlier than most children in America are potty-trained and she did it boot-camp style.

And none of this advice sat well with me. I'm not the parent who takes all advice and tries anything people tell me to do. I'm the parent who seriously considers what others tell me, thinks about it logically and tries to reason about what makes more sense.

I concluded that I didn't want to go the naked route, effectively increasing my already over-loaded schedule with more cleaning than I was willing to do while also taking care of my new baby. I decided that taking my toddler to the bathroom every five minutes, ten minutes, half hour, hour, etc. was not going to work. I knew I'd never remember to take him to the potty regularly. I knew I didn't want to deny him basic necessities like breakfast until he used the potty in the morning. I didn't have that kind of patience. I didn't have that kind of time. And honestly, I just didn't want to deal with it.

I also seriously asked myself what the benefits were to force him into something he was clearly not ready for. Would getting him out of the diaper and into big boy underwear accomplish anything aside from shutting up the critics? Should I really be bothered or embarrassed that my son was almost four-years-old and not potty-trained yet? I don't embarrass easily. I don't give credit where I don't feel it's deserved. And I generally don't care what people say or think. Combined with all the expert advice that told me that I was making the right decision, I did what his doctors told me to do: Let him decide.

He was four-years-old and still in pull-ups. One day, while changing his diaper, he started jumping around saying that he needed to pee and I needed to hurry up and put his diaper on. I encouraged him to use the potty and, realizing that his pee was coming and he could not stop it, he ran to his potty and found that he was still too nervous. I had him stay naked for a while at that time because I saw this as a sign that he was, at least, partially ready. Sure enough, just a few minutes later, he decided to use the potty. I cried, I picked him up, I told him how proud I was, I made a very big deal out of this new celebration and called his father at work to share the good news. He was a little embarrassed by all of this. But I could also see that glimmer in his large round eyes that he was also pleased with himself.

After that we had him pick out his big-boy underwear and when he finally tried them on, he didn't really like it. But I went right in with the soft encouragement I was advised to use by the experts. And slowly but surely, he became more comfortable with his new underwear.

I looked at this experience with pleasure, realizing that I don't have stories to tell about all the accidents he's had while awake (he's only had two accidents since). People are surprised when I tell them that after only a couple months of wiping him after he used the potty, he became rather proficient at butt-wiping. Not a single skid-mark on his underwear since he's been wearing them. There was no transition from a baby potty to the toilet we all used. He also decided that on his own. He learned quickly how to stand up when peeing like a "big boy" and how to control his stream.

And I did practically nothing. I did what his doctor told me to do and let him potty train himself. It was later than most but that didn't bother me at all. Critics don't know me. They don't know my son. They rarely know norms or statistics in the first place.

I also realized something else. In allowing him to do this on his own, the accomplishment was all his. I had nothing to be proud of, myself. The only thing I did was listen to my son and let him tell me what he wanted, what he was comfortable with. This big milestone was his milestone, alone.

And now that we're over that hump, we have another three-year-old who is still in his diapers. I don't have a baby to take care of but having to take care of two "big boys" is not any easier than taking care of a toddler and an infant.

My youngest boy is still not ready. And just like I did with his brother before him, I will wait until he tells me he's ready. My couch will not be covered in urine. I won't find puddles that were made without my knowledge, or worse, much more smelly messes. I won't have to deal with digression when I push a child further than he is willing to go. Each step we take will move us forward. And my day will carry on as it always does with messes that are made quicker than I am able to clean up, laundry that never ends, little mouths to feed, hearing my name called every ten minutes, drawing my attention to an owie, a fight, something broken or dirty or a bigger catastrophe. And only when he tells me it's time will I finally be able to clear our shelf of stacked diapers and baby wipes.

When asked by other moms who are dealing with what route to go regarding potty-training, my only advice is this: Listen to your gut. My experiences may not be the same as others, even if they do the same thing. If you'd rather take the routes I chose not to, that's perfectly fine. Only you know your child. You are the one who will have to deal with what comes with potty-training so let this be your decision. Trust your instincts. Pay attention to your child. Don't sweat the small stuff. And remember that no matter what you decide, you and your child will be fine.