Election time is upon us, thus some pretty important decisions need to be made.
Once upon a time, I was among the non-voting adult public. I don’t buy into this crap about, “If you don’t vote, you can’t complain.” Really, guys. Do you just regurgitate these tired quotes without thought? How about you stop to think about it for the minute and give some non-voters the benefit of the doubt, understand that they might vehemently dislike every single candidate available and disapprove of any of them in a position of power and that some people believe that the lesser of two evils is still, in fact, evil.
But a few years ago, the ballots listed two candidates who topped my list of people who shouldn’t even be walking among us, let alone leading us. So I was compelled to do what other people have been telling me to do since I turned 18. I went with the lesser of evils route. I voted to help whomever their opposition was. For the first time in my life, I actually stayed up to watch the polls. Thankfully, neither made it and I felt vindicated.
And then I was summoned for district court jury duty the next year which really made me regret my decision to register to vote. (Note: If you are thinking that they don’t choose from a pool of registered voters, educate yourself about the differences between District and Superior Court.)
Now I’m left to wonder whether I should vote this year or not. Once again, I don’t fully believe in the qualifications of most candidates. So how do I determine how to cast my vote? I care, but not as much as some people do. And the fact of the matter is that a lot of people who do care are operating under dubious criteria and sketchy opinions, these WTF voters and votes that have me wondering if these people are paying attention and how easily people the most vehement opposition and supporters are swayed.
So screw it. I devised a point system. Admittedly, some of these don’t make much sense. Some are pretty trivial and only placed there for humor despite the fact that I am still absolutely using such points to determine my vote. You’ll notice a lot more negatives than positives but that tends to be my relationship with politics: It’s significantly easier to turn me off than turn me on.
So here it is:
+10 - Perceived genuine kindness:
Kindness is not a factor alone. I’m not a voter who makes her decisions based on who’s nice and who’s related to me. What matters is that your kindness is genuine or, at least, seems genuine. Don’t politic around shaking my hand and kissing my cheek. Isn't it already a long-running joke/game to see how many politicians show up at a celebration or memorial?
+ 5 – The sympathy vote:
My heart cries a bit whenever I see just one person out there waving without any supporters or loved ones to accompany him or her. Well, maybe not “cry”. It…sighs. I’m not that much of a bleeding heart.
+25 – Be nice to my kids:
Unlike the first point, this applies mostly to rookie politicians, neither incumbents or politicians who’ve served prior terms can really be part of this. A personal experience to illustrate: At a child’s birthday party, my son was in the pool with another boy and that boy’s father. This father not only entertained his own son but included my boy in their games. I appreciate that. It’s the other side of the above point. This is also about someone’s genuine nature. At any rate, it seems that a lot of people vote for friends and family, whether they have thought about their ability to serve or not, among half a dozen other bogus reasons. So this one is mine.
-5 – Usage of vuvuzelas.
That’s it. Don’t use them.
-20 – Was I talking to you?:
I once ran into a friend who had just been hired to work for a new senator. I stopped to make some pleasant conversation and asked my friend how things were going. In any other situation, my friend would have given a generic response as a general idea of how life is and the only person responding would be my friend since that was who I was talking to. But boss lady steps in and starts talking about her seat in office. I don’t care. And if I did, I’d address you directly. Every conversation is not a chance to campaign. In fact, it’s often a good way to lose my interest.
-40 – Members of club fed and their affiliates:
So what’s up with the “haves” stealing money from their own island,? We already don’t have money to take care of our basic necessities and now you want to steal more from us? Well, I guess when you can afford private schools, healthcare and you own property, you don’t really care about the rest of us. Speaking of which, if you can afford all these things, why the hell are you stealing money from us in the first place? Nice car, by the way.
+ 15 -The next generation:
I’m getting tired of the same faces screwing us over. We need some young blood in there.
-20 – Copyright infringement:
Stop doing this people! You didn’t get permission from the artists to use their songs in your campaign. So don’t use it.
+15 – That’s a catchy little diddy.
So if you can’t use copyrighted material, create your own. And make it good. Might I point out that not since the 90s when Rufo Lujan was running have I heard a jingle that really got me bopping along with a smile on my face. Go there. Make me sing.
-30 – Common fricking sense:
I mentioned this before on my FB: Don’t talk about someone’s kids, don’t talk about someone’s mama and don’t mention people on their deathbeds. Just don’t go there.
(Note: At the end of this entry you'll notice I say something about a candidate's child. That was a personal experience and I have every right to be pissed off at someone threatening my family (yeah, it actually happened). And guess what. I’m not the one running for office. I’m not held to the same standards. That’s common sense, too.)
-10 - Who???
If I don’t know who the hell you are and cannot figure out why you’re running based on your resume, how am I going to know why you deserve to be in office?
-30 – “So basically…”
This is a high deduction because it’s a significant error that speakers often make. As a frequent error, it ranks somewhere below “your/you’re” and “its/it’s” confusion. But also, as a frequent error, it is something that fluent English speakers should know about. There is absolutely no reason to ever use the word “basically”. Whatever you are saying, you can drop it and the sentence will still make perfect sense. When you use that word, you basically sound stupid.
-30 – “Democracy”
America is not a democracy. Guam is not a democracy. Anyone serving under either flag should know that. As a politician, there is no reason to perpetuate this misconception. You should know better. So cut it out. If you are referring to the democratic process of citizens voting for their representatives, well, there’s a word for that. You’ll find it in the Pledge of Allegiance. And to the “what” for which it stands? That’s right. A republic.
-15 - Stick to what you know
If I do know who you are and what your background is, I expect this background to have something to do with your qualifications as a representative of our island. Don’t come out of left field, citing your platform when it has nothing to do with your expertise because then I’m left with wondering exactly who you are and what you’re talking about. It’s even more off-putting when you talk about this platform and it is clear that you don’t really have experience in it. And understand that an observation is not experience.
-10 – Not politically correct
I know, the rules change rather often and sometimes being PC goes a little too far. It often seems like no matter what word you use, you’re going to end up offending someone. But at the same time, there are certain PC terms and ideas that you really should know. They are spoken about often enough. Not knowing them means you don’t really pay attention and if you don’t pay attention then who’s to say you’re capable of paying attention to what this island needs. If you can’t be bothered to look these things up, yourself, then have your team do the work for you. Until then, Oriental refers to objects, people are Asian. And “handicapped”? Really? Why don’t you just call them “cripples”?
+/-10 - Every single act that you have made in office or in the public eye, dependent on whether I agree with said act or not
Self explanatory.
+15 - Variation
For those duos running for our highest seats, I prefer a team where the members are not similar types of people with similar backgrounds. There should be a clear distinction, even with common goals. This comes across as a team that brings more than a few strengths to the table and has more to work with.
+ 50 - Archbishop's League of Evil Ushers
Anyone the Apuron says not to vote for gets an added 50 points. I'd make it 100 but it would really throw things off. I resent being told who to vote for considering you're sitting on your free ride in a position that our grand constitution has given you the right to not be affected by half of the laws that govern the rest of us. It's called Separation of Church and State. Or do you only care about that when it benefits you? Jackass.
Full negation of positive points – Rotten fruit:
This means you are automatically below all candidates and not remotely a consideration. If you’ve failed in your first job as a leader -- that is, in leading your children -- why should I trust in your ability to lead a significantly larger population? If you've raised a child stupid enough to burn your own bridges by threatening to kill my husband, knowing this could cast you in a negative light, well, that's beyond disgusting. That's just stupid. You and your family deserve a lot of things. But none of them are positive. And none of them include my vote.
*******
That seems to be it for now. I’ll probably add more as we near election time.
Up next: The list of candidates and their points thus far which, in most cases, is still also subject to change.
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