why i've joined the dark side

I had a different reason for writing this when I started. I had a long intro that I scrapped and listed several details that I decided to delete. As I initially rounded the last lap bringing me home to my first intended conclusion, I learned something more about myself and was hit with a realization that is much more profound to me.

I have many reasons for now supporting the build-up. The first being that I learned nothing from some of the people who opposed it. My questions were not answered and I did not know what they were fighting for. Not the best way to get people to understand and agree with your cause. And then the real change started after I was also left with an extreme distaste for the way some of those opinions were expressed in how they mocked and tried to censor those who did not believe what they did. What started out as "the little people" standing against the majority turned into those same little people bullying those who did not agree, all the while complaining about how they feel bullied when they were challenged to answer questions that, again, they could not answer.

But those were ultimately not the main reason I found that I could not, in good conscience, support the most vocal groups that have rallied against the build-up. As the war raged against those who once occupied us, those who still occupy us and those who threaten to occupy us more, I looked at myself and saw a product of all those horrible occupations that have been painted as villains. And it was the first time in 31 years of calling this island "home" that I felt the most unwanted and undeserving of an island that has meant so much to me.

Once upon a time, the race wars had escaped me. While people spoke of how one group or another became the victim of another group simply because of the color of their skin, I wondered why I had never experienced it.

And now I have. Worse, I've never felt more scrutinized and judged because of the color of my skin than I have in my own home. The worst racism I've felt has been from the people who I once thought were of the same race as I. Never, in my travels abroad, have I felt that level of alienation. Never has a person from a different place asked me to qualify my race or ethnicity.

I don't like to qualify my ethnicity. Or my nationality. Or even my gender, for that matter. I see myself, primarily, as a combination of all the experiences I've had and all the lessons I've learned from them, things that are a lot more personal to me, outside of things I have no control over. I did not choose to be a woman. I did not choose my nationality or my ethnicity. I, now, have a little more control over my language but I did not have control over it as I learned to speak.

But of all the things I had no control over, my generation has had much more of an effect on who I am. It's the way the world is around me, during my lifetime, that has dictated much more of my personality than just my ethnicity, just my nationality, just my gender. My culture exists now. I do not live the lives my parents did just as their lives was not the same as that of their parents. Throughout many years, with every occupation, the island's culture has changed. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay with my culture, now. I'm okay with speaking English. And I love that I am a combination of many different ethnic groups, that I am a product of what happens when people don't define themselves exclusively by their ethnicity.

What I'm not okay with is having to answer to other people based on my ethnicity. I'm not okay with being told I should register as being a part of one ethic group as though that's the only part of me deserving of my upbringing on Guam. I'm not okay with having any part of my ethnicity attacked. And again, I'm not okay with feeling like an outsider in my own home for the first time in my life.

Once upon a time I wanted nothing more than to leave an island for a much more anonymous area, where I did not have to live under the watchful eyes or expectation of others. My husband changed that about me. My husband made me see how much I loved my home and how much I cherished being raised here, making me want to raise my children here even more.

I've since changed again, as has my husband. Now that we have children, with just as white of a name and white skin who, if they were judged only by appearance, would not seem to be Chamorro, I want them to grow where they are accepted. I don't want them to live in a place where they'd be victimized by their own people. I don't want them to wonder what it means to be called a "fucking haole".

I know many people will read this and say I've misinterpreted their actions and their cause. I know many will think I've skewed the issue and turned it into something that has little to do with their intentions. I ask that those people really look at their actions and their causes and realize that I'm not the only person who feels this way. I ask that they consider how their actions can be misinterpreted and find another way to promote a cause that does not alienate others. I ask that we all take responsibility for our own actions and understand that we are the ones responsible for the way others see us and if we do not like how we are seen, the power is in our hands to change how people see us.

I had hoped so much to raise my family on this island. With the prospect of relocating to another place in the next ten years, I think about friends I'd miss dearly and how my sons would adapt to such a huge change, if they'd like it at all. I wonder what we'd do if we got out there and my kids decided it was too much for them to deal with and how we'd, then, adapt to coming back home. I wish these were not things I had to consider. There are many reasons people relocate from Guam, chief among them opportunity and affordability in a market that more closely coincides with the cost of living. None of these were enough to make me want to leave. It's heartbreaking to have to face the real reason I want to leave: My white skin is not welcome, here. And no person of any ethnicity should be made to feel unwelcome in their own home.

So why did I join the dark side? Simply put: Because they've been better to me.