i've found my religion

Secondarily nothing. I've learned that, perhaps, compartmentalizing my life is not always the most conducive way to reach the peace of mind I've been after all my life. When one thing changes or affects me, it affects all of me. At this stage, I no longer really feel the need to be "the old Erin" sometimes and be "the new Erin" at others. Whatever changes I've undergone are neither subtle or isolated. The things that have unexpectedly become a big part of my life have changed the way I look at the world. And truth be told, no matter how Harlequin romance it sounds and how I've never been this way, even as a melodramatic teenager with hormones I chose to run from instead of deal with, at the center of this change is one person. Not me. No, not me. It's him.

I won't deny that there have been times during the roller coaster ride of the most incredible relationship I've ever known, when I've found myself pulling at my harness and trying to unlatch the safety bar, wanting only to get the hell off and out of this because that's all I knew how to do. I didn't face my fears or stick to it through the difficult situations. I was much more capable at leaving it all behind and getting over situations, other people and myself. But more and more, as I quickly got closer to this man who had occupied my whole mind and heart, and we created a family that I could never run from, I had to teach myself, by myself, to stick around and put some effort into the most amazing and life changing experience I had ever known. It's been most difficult when it was evident that I chose to spend my life with a man who was had his own coping mechanism: escapism. I ran while he buried things way down so that he'd never have to deal. It's a struggle, still, and sometimes it gets harder and the fights get worse with each situation. And when the day ends and we come back to our real lives, we come back to each other.

And that's what it always comes back to. That's what everything comes back to. The most wonderful part of my life are my kids and they wouldn't be here without him. The person I've become, the way I've grown, the struggles I've had to deal with and overcome, even the person I am when he is not around, for all of that he was the catalyst. He is what started it all. He and the incredible connection that even in our darkest moments we swear is one that no one has ever had and no one ever will. What he did not show, teach or give me directly, he at least inspired and motivated. Everything I've done that's been good and everything I've created that I'm proud of, from my family to my work to my friendships and other relationships, I've done because I want my life to be better, because I want to be better for us. For him.

Belief. Hope. Faith. Inspiration. Grace. I know what it's all about now. I've found the peace that many search for, that many have found. But I've found it in someone real and tangible, in a person who exists in a material world, who fills all my senses. And all that matters to me is that I'm a better person because of it, better than I had ever been searching for faith in something I could never see and never, ever truly felt.

Love is my religion. And all I know of love I learned because of him.




And now we return to our regularly scheduled programming...