battling demons in face paint and big shoes

As children, the world is an infinite source of wonder, enhanced only as much as our imagination will allow (and children are pros at imagination, God willing). It's never a good thing when any small part of the imagination takes a negative turn and something meant to bring joy is turned into the things nightmares are made of. Life begins to suck just a little bit the moment the idea of something fun is turned into a reality that is anything but pleasant. For me, that moment happened when I was six or so and something terrible happened. I haven't been the same since. Every other part of this event is blurry to the point that I've been unable to really recall most details. All I know is that there were children and balloons, pizza and fried chicken and mojo potatoes, presents and laughter. (Yes, we were at Shakey's. Every birthday party was at Shakey's.) The entertainment arrived and he began his show. He was wobbly and I'm sure we all thought that was part of his act. That is until he wobbled one last time and collapsed. I remember gasps and screams and crying. I'm not sure I reacted aside from being scared stiff. I also remember thinking that this was the first time I had seen someone die in front of me. Turns out the clown was drunk and he passed out. And I don't mean that figuratively. It was a clown. And for all intents and purposes, a dead clown.


Thus a fear was born. It has a name but is not even recognized in psychological circles. The experts who decided that can kiss my ass. Coulrophobia is real. enough. It's real and it sucks. I've never seen It or Killer Clowns from Outer Space. I would normally love Commedia dell'arte but can't really enjoy it because of Arlecchino. Circuses freak me out. I once threatened to punch a clown who approached me while my friend tried to tell him how serious I was and talk me down at the same time. I have a visible, audible reaction to even a still picture of a clown. You have to admit that they do look fricking scary. There's a reason there are horror movies about them. So don't even go there.

And then it gets really weird.

Examining different parts of my personality, as I am wont to do, I've discovered that when it concerns moving picture and literature, aside from genre or movement, there are two recurring themes in what I like. Most often they occur separately but when they do appear in the same work together, I am usually through the roof in ecstatic fandom. Those two themes are traveling carnivals/circuses and America the 1930's. The one work that blew my mind with its awesomeness was Carnivale, an HBO series that ran for two seasons between 2003 and 2005 before being cancelled do to high costs of production even though the program was a big success from its debut. If you haven't seen it, check it out. It's breathtaking. It's flawless. It's so good that I am mentioning it in this blog entry despite the fact that it is not at all relevant.

Of course the relevant part of that tidbit is the whole carnival/circus deal. Obviously, it's because they usually have some kind of clown-like weirdo terrorizing patrons. It's a morbid fascination. A clown in any other venue is cause for a violent reaction. And even in a carnival setting, I cover my eyes and cringe (or scream) when I see a clown. But I admit that I also peak through the cracks between my fingers as tears well in my eyes. (Yes, sometimes I am close to crying. Or, again, screaming.)


And that hasn't been the only thing that seems paradoxical. More years ago than I'd like to admit, I had to think about my senior quote to appear beside my picture in the yearbook. Being someone who loves words, this was actually a very difficult decision. Nothing stood out more than others. There were many quotes I liked equally and I could have gone in any direction. As someone involved in the arts, should I use an artsy quote? Or a literary quote? Something about being a woman? Something humorous or something serious? Maybe a quote from anyone of my favorite songs or a nod to my favorite genres. I didn't do any of those things. Instead I went against my usual character and used a commercial ad from a clothing company. As a teenager who really didn't care much for fashion, it was unexpected. It was also simple. Maybe a bit trite. But it really did make sense. In seven words it said a lot about my state of mind, or at least the state of mind I convinced myself was real. Maybe not real but close enough.


It was even for a brand I didn't know anything about. I didn't own any of the label's products. I couldn't even tell you if I've ever actually seen this brand in real life. Perhaps you remember this:




That's my senior quote right there. That's a brand I am unfamiliar with. And yes, that's a clown. In a straight jacket. The message meant to be conveyed is that this clown is insane. Insanity is scary. Clowns are scary. You draw those parallels. It's not that hard to see the horror in this ad.

I cannot tell you why this happens. I cannot begin to understand why what is arguably my biggest fear keeps popping up in things I like or why they only occur in certain forms. And if I were honest with myself, the reality is that I don't like these things in spite of. I like these things because of.

It's sick and twisted but very, very common. It's the horrible accident you slow down to watch. It's scary movies and messed-up images and the knowledge that something that freaks you out so much also gets you excited. It's the adrenaline of fear. It's a naturally occurring irony that I accept even though I am not too proud to say that this fascination has not really helped me battle those demons. It has intensified my fears rather than dispel them. But I keep telling myself that it's helping me conquer those fears, anyway, even if it's a big old lie. Besides, as a parent more in touch with a sense of mortality and responsibility, I've begrudgingly retired from more dangerous adrenaline addictions and stupid antics. Perhaps my fascination with this fear and the means with which I am able to reason my way through it is all the rush I can allow, now.

And maybe one day I actually will get over my fears. Because it was pretty difficult trying to find a picture of that ad, copy, upload and position it in this entry with my eyes closed.