preemptive strike on broken new year resolutions

The new year is upon us and with it comes the desire to make resolutions. And with that come the promises one often breaks more often than any other promise made. We try our hardest to take other's secrets to the grave, fulfill the requests of loved ones who need our help and support and remember how strong the word "promise" should be. But we break the promises we make to ourselves. We either sacrifice or indulge when it comes to our own desires when really, those are the few promises we should stay faithful to.

Last year my resolution was simple: Lowered expectations. What kind of expectations?

I expect mutuality and reciprocation. I will try to compromise and give you the things you want if there's effort on your part to do the same for me. More, I expect only a certain degree of that reciprocation. It would be nice if you could try to understand the two things I ask of you when you give me a long list of things you need from me. I don't expect you to bake me a last-minute birthday cake, completely free of charge, as I did for you. But a simple, "Happy Birthday" would have been nice. I expect that my step-son be treated equally as my biological children. Alternately, I also expect people to treat my children the same way they would treat their older brother. I expect people to respect that my husband and I are our children's only parents and therefor, we make the rules. I expect that when I try to explain something to you that you listen to every word I say. I expect you to only consider the words I am saying without making assumptions. I expect even more when those words are not said, but written. I expect you to carefully read every word in an email, letter or other kind of message and I expect an attempt to understand those words. I expect people of a given vocation to respect the works of others of that vocation. I don't expect you to laugh at and insult the efforts of those who have probably worked harder and achieved more than you could hope to in all your life time. I expect mutuality and reciprocation even when it does not involve me. I expect to engage in debates with people who know what they are talking about. I don't expect loosely-based observations and anecdotes as proof. I expect people to understand the difference between the ideas of lay-people and the ideas of experts. I expect people to get the facts before they spread propaganda. I expect people to protest against things only when they understand them. I don't expect antagonism before you even know what you are actually speaking out against. I expect logic. I expect people of a certain age to understand widely known phenomena. But I still expect a certain degree of rechecking the facts before talking about that phenomena. I expect that if you are going to ridicule the actions of others, you choose not to take part in a similar action. I expect people to have as much of a distaste for hypocrisy as I do.

Actually, those are the things I expected once upon a time and my resolution has been to let go of all of that. Being pleasantly surprised when someone surpasses lowered expectations is much better than the disappointment felt when people do not meet expectations. I also realize that sometimes we don't know what we're doing when we're doing it. I'm clearly not above that. I know that some of my disappointment was at situations run by people who did not know what the consequences of their actions were. I also know that everyone else has their own expectations and their own lives, each with an entirely separate sequence of events and moments that have shaped who they are in a way completely different from my own life's experiences. Why should others live up to my expectations? They have their own lives to worry about. Thus, lowered expectations allows all of us to simply live the lives we need to in order to get through this mess.

This coming year I have a new one. It's actually phase 2 of the previous year's with a similar goal. Streamline. Efficiency. Simplify. And mostly, appreciate.

This is regarding any social sphere I am, have been or could potentially be a part of. In 2010 I plan to cut my losses, move on from acquaintances that are more trouble than they are worth, understand that no one is better or worse than the next but simply different and that differences are sometimes just a sign that despite our best efforts - or shoddy efforts, if that be the case - sometimes we just cannot get along.

This was partially inspired by a piece of technology nestled in my mom's room aka the computer room: The computer and all the things it's connected me to.

My computer has afforded me some wonderful connections. I have old classmates online, some of whom I haven't spoken to in years. Some of whom I didn't particularly care for all those years ago. The beauty of it all is that despite the fact that it once again shows my age, we've all grown and matured and lived long enough to get the hell over it. These virtual strangers have become my friends. And we would say hi to each other face to face now, all because we've made a reconnection in a more comfortable place and stuck to it.

There are very close loved ones I haven't seen in a long time and if life permitted, we'd still desperately love to live closer to one another so that sharing our lives wasn't done so over oceans and expanses of land.

There are people who live right around the corner. But life is busy. Our calender's are full. We have things pulling us in many different directions and getting together is rather difficult. So we pop in every now and then with a few taps on the keyboard or mobile, simultaneously juggling work, parenthood, marriage, etc.

In that group are friends I've never even known in real life. We found each other via the web, connected by similar lives and interests. Very few make an impact but I'm lucky to have known them.

We've developed or maintained a glimpse of our recent lives, shared in eachother's blessings and accomplishments and offered support with a few lines when life was more difficult and less joyous. We've had good conversations over a few beers, laughed at each others' jokes, stories and antics. We've mingled in groups, making our way from one person to another, making sure we've covered all of our bases.

And that's all been worth it. But that doesn't cover the acquaintances that haven't been.

Mutual interests aren't enough of a link when we are otherwise so different that whatever link we have is overshadowed by personalities that just don't mix. There are virtual connections to strangers over the Internet that sadly do nothing but reinforce every stereotype and preconceived notion we've had about "those kinds of people". There is the family we choose and the family we are born to and most of the time, the family we are born to has a natural love for us and has been given enough time to further develop that love. But sometimes we realize that blood is not strong enough to give fuel to that love. I've had co-workers who are so awesome that all others pale in comparison. We learn that that kind of connection is natural and cannot be forced. We learn that sometimes the place where we work is just that and nothing more. There are faces of the past who still live there, who have not matured enough to forget what had happened or realize that not only do those things not matter, but they never did. And of course there are those who don't meet those expectations I mentioned.

Sometimes we just move on, knowing that the connections we have are enough, knowing that we will make even more connections as we grow and live. It's a milder form of cutting ties and burning bridges. It's knowing that some things are worth the effort and others are not and in a world of over six-billion people, there are certain things that are and always will be true. No one is alone, not even those who desire nothing but solitude, as we have the influences of the many who came before us in a world shaped by people presently here. We have friends and family and all kinds of acquaintances who fill our world with experiences that would not have been possible without them. They are worth the attempt to make new connections. But when new connections don't work out, then that's okay. Look forward to the next meeting and the next person ready to contribute to your world as you contribute to theirs. But don't stress the fact that some people won't make the cut. Don't stress that sometimes you won't make theirs.

And on top of anything else, appreciate what you do have because no matter what it is, you have been blessed.