trimming it down some

In fitting with the streamline theme I plan on working on for the forseeable future, I'm playing a requiem for my parenting blog and moving the stuff on over this way.

The first throwback: Flipping out. It's just something I do from time to time.

life is seldom all rainbows and sunshine. even the happiest people find themselves feeling the cracks in their foundation get larger and larger and suddenly have barely a second to decide whether they want to indulge in an nervous breakdown or not. many people don't want to admit that they have such emotions, let alone show them to others. often, the last people we want to be witness to such a moment of weakness are children, especially our own.

among many of the reasons why we choose not to show our kids such things is believing that we should represent strength and stability to children who are still learning about the world around them and the way they should respond to that world. if mommy and daddy can't handle the stress, why would they think they should be able to?

so when i find myself in the middle of a breakdown i no longer have the strength to fight off and i am unable to get myself into a room that has minimal childish traffic and there's a little boy asking out loud, "why is my mommy crying?" my first instinct is to wipe away my tears and pretend everything is okay. then i realize that no amount of hiding myself now is going to change the fact that i was already caught. kane starts offering me candy, telling me not to cry and then looks knowingly at his daddy and says, "mommy just needs to lie down." (son, mommy needs to lie down for several years...)i start to wonder about the effects this will have on my son. and then i realize that just as with all things, such a spectacle should be accompanied by one very important thing: communication.

when the shoe is on the other foot and kane or drew find themselves too upset to function, i neither ignore nor coddle. i try to remember that this is not some animal to train but a human being with real emotions, valid whether we like to think they are or not. i do my best to redirect their frustration and try to calm them down, using words to express those feelings when applicable. these aren't things only children can benefit from. these are things we all need. and what could be more comforting to such a young child than knowing that mommy and daddy get upset sometimes too.

before the wave of emotion even passes i make sure that when my son is trying to understand how i feel and why i'm crying, i acknowledge his questions and accept his help. if he feels he can comfort me, it stands to reason that it will make him more inclined to let me comfort him. when i am able to be calm and speak reasonably, i confirm what he's already beginning to understand: adults cry when they are sad, too. i let him know it's okay. i let him know that being sad is momentary and i will now always be this way. i let him know that we can make decisions and look at the world more positively and start to feel better. and i let him know that everyone needs help and comfort sometimes.

there's no shame in showing weakness to your children. there's nothing wrong with letting them know that you are just like them. it's a raw form of communication that shows them what you may not be able to "just tell". and communication when expressed appropriately is never a bad thing.