let them play again...

...in some other way, and let them be happy."

that was quoted from the afterword of a scanner darkly, one of my favorite novels by my favorite science fiction writer, philip k. dick. a scanner darkly is a semi-autobiographical novel about drug use and drug culture. the novel, itself, is not the central point to this specific blog. the afterword, however, is one of several inspirations for me to post this entry.

the above quote referred to a list of some of the author's loved ones, "some people who were punished entirely too much for what they did." (copyright philip k. dick, 1977) these people were addicts, as dick once was as well. "what they did" was drugs. their punishment was the natural effects of the drugs they did. fitting in with the overall theme of the novel, it's an indictment of a society that creates problems, gives us the tools to get through those problems and the reality that some of those tools caused more pain in the end than the very pain those drugs were used to alleviate.

i'm also writing this while watching sober house, a reality program about celebrities living in a house meant to be a transition place between rehab and the real world as they have not experienced it in a long time: as a sober person. i watch these people, some of whom i consider amazingly talented, all of whom have lost close to everything because of their drug use. sadly, part of what they lost is what made them famous. they lost their drive, their ambition, often their talent. very often, they lost the people who aided in their fame: their closest loved ones and fellow collaborators.

people often excuse this drug use and behavior. a person creates a masterpiece be it a song, film, work of literature or visual art and their fans are sometimes quick to believe that drugs were an integral part of that work. often, it can be. my own experiences with drugs have either relaxed me to approach what i was doing with ease and less stress; or energized me so that i could keep up with the demands of an overladen schedule; and sometimes it felt as though it opened my mind to consider and appreciate ideas i wouldn't normally have when sober. the last of those mentioned effects have been spoken about ad nauseum.

talent is talent. inspiration comes from the mind and from experiences. and it can be argued that without those experiences, some of our favorite works -- a scanner darkly, for example -- would never have been created and we would never have the benefit of enjoying such works. consider, then, what the artists' intentions were when in the midst of conceptualization. consider, then, what a huge insult it is to the artists when people believe such talent comes mainly or even partially from drug use. several tests have been done to study and record the effects of various drugs on artists. an overwhelming majority of them reported some sort of improvement in their craft in technique, approach and content. but what degree of improvement was there? what would patrons and consumers think of the difference between sober pieces and those that were created under the influence?

on top of everything else, people see correlation between talent and drug use without attempting to understand the effects those drugs have had on their lives as a whole. i have yet to encounter any artist in any field who functioned better, as a whole, in the duration of their lives and all aspects of it, when under the influence.

i have met people, mostly amateur artists, who claim they have drug use to thank for any part of their lives whether they had talent or not. all of those people were still under the notion that what they did was good, inspired and worth notice. none of them realized how wrong they were. personally, not only does that show me a person who is living under a delusion that they have achieved one thing or another when they haven't, but it shows me a person who was not strong or sane enough to handle drugs in the first place. they were never better for the use. they were, in fact, worse than before and before, they weren't that good to begin with.

it further makes me consider my past drug use and the drug use of people i love or once loved dearly. it brings me to a deeper and darker part of my mind and causes me to recollect on all of our experiences, together and individually. i don't often share my personal experiences with people who know me and i don't intend to here either. if you know me and want to know, you can just ask. i also won't share the intimate details of loved ones whose lives have been ravaged by drug use.

details are not needed to illustrate what i believe most people already know but are too scared to acknowledge. they are fearful of seeming straight, conservative, rigid or boring. they are fearful of admitting that with their experimentation and curiosity they are leaving out some of the most painful and scary parts of use. they are fearful of what their friends may think while all these friends are just as blind, just as deluded.

people make mistakes. people turn to drugs for so many reasons. life is not normally pleasant. sometimes it's damn exhausting and soul crushing. sometimes we hurt so much that we turn to different things to make the pain go away. we don't want to feel unhappy in the real world so we decide to turn to other things to make us happy in our own minds. no person who's lived that life for long has ever been happy, truly. no person who lives in their fantasy can appreciate reality. no person who has escaped that fantasy has been able to instantly leave that made up world and face the real one with integrity and dignity. the slow and arduous path to sobriety is often the most difficult journey a person can make.

some people just want to know. they want to figure out the hype. they are curious. they see their friends indulge and they hear stories of their experiences. very often, especially with infrequent or initial use, those experiences are interesting and enjoyable. so they want to have that experience, too. they want to experiment. and they never consider what will happen when that experience is over and they realize how much of their life they squandered away, either the days spent outside of reality or the days they have lost out on when their health starts to deteriorate.

all things considered, i sound a bit hypocritical. and truthfully, i am. but there's still one more side to it. when it comes to drug culture i first and foremost believe that one cannot consider himself to be a part of that culture until he's seen or experienced close to all of the effects of drug use and addiction, the good, the bad and the very, very ugly.

as we lose people we love day to day and attend more funerals and comfort more people for those losses, we think about the events that led to that loss. in most cases we are witness to lives and deaths that were not the fault of those who passed. death from drug use, however, belongs in the hands of the user alone. as dick said, "they wanted to have a good time, but they were like children playing in the street; they could see one after another--run over, maimed, destroyed--but they continued to play anyhow."

remember all those people: loved ones, friends, strangers and idols who enjoyed a brief moment of joy and lost everything they had because they couldn't stop playing. remember their legacy and that part of it is allowing you a glimpse into a troubled mind and life that was too sensitive for this fucked up world. consider that most of them would not want you to idolize and replicate their mistakes that were interpreted to be part of their greatest accomplishments. consider that those works that move and touch you also should also teach and motivate you. consider that the best way to remember and honor them is to learn from them and live the life they didn't. appreciate the world around you through clear and open eyes. appreciate what you were given and make the best of it.

but also remember that although this is an affliction that we have brought onto ourselves, that this world, by nature, supplies the very things that hurt us most and disguises them as the one thing that can make everything better. remember that the punishment all of us receive was not only brought on by choice and action but also by cruelty and irony. remember that underneath everything is a person who feels and hurts. remember that underneath is a person who deserves love and a person who can love.

in closing, i'd like to take my cue from dick. i'd like to remember the people who were very big parts of my life, those i may not have known but whose lives touched those of the people i love most, who also paid too dearly for what they did:


to c.f., deceased
to m.g., permanent liver damage
to a.d., deceased
to d.d., deceased
to d.f., deceased
to r.t., missing, permanent brain damage
to j.q., permanent brain damage
to c.s., incarcerated, permanent liver damage
to a.b., permanent psychosis
to m.s., permanent psychosis
to everyone else who've lost any function of life or life, itself, to drug use
to those who've lost their loved ones to drug use
to those struggling to save those they love
to those struggling to save themselves
to those who struggle still, even while sober
to those who relapse and face the demons they fought so long to keep at bay
to those who don't realize, yet, how much they've lost