another year, another beer

2009 is about over. Time for another year to screw with my mind and rock my world.

No matter the age or level of wisdom, each moment had is a learning experience. The past year has come with its own lessons, some of them new, some old and some have simply been confirmations of tested and untested theories or addendums to past beliefs.

Over the past year I've learned...

• Accepting change comes with letting go of formerly held beliefs
• Love is not enough
• Indulgences make life easier
• Even teachers and people with advanced degrees cannot figure out the bloody difference between their/there, it's/its, your/you're, etc.
• Sometimes it's accidental
• Addictions are a crutch
• There's a reason we need a crutch
• Weakness is not shameful
• Sometimes I'm not ashamed, even when I really, really should be
• You don't have to be a sociopath to not feel guilty when you've done something wrong
• Or maybe I am a sociopath
• When you are one person all your life, it takes more than a handsome face and loving arms to change you into a different person no matter how badly you both want that change
• Even if you love 99% of one thing, that missing 1% can be just enough to change your mind
• On the other hand, sometimes that 1% is trivial
• Comfort and familiarity aside, there's a reason we fit, a reason we work together even when we don't want to
• I am finally 100% sure that I am totally done for
• Convenience is often a major factor
• Some attachments are actually good
• Independence is the hardest thing to let go of, nothing else even comes close
• I am incapable of turning the other cheek
• Sometimes revenge has a taste other than "sweet"
• It's not 7, it's 6
• None of them mattered
• I love living on Guam
• I hate living on Guam
• If you ask a person with no fingernails to scratch an itch, it won't feel good and you will be left unsatisfied
• I was right from the start, you really are the one
• Everything is better with you
• Sanity = my homeys
• I am not above anything
• You are the only one who is worth it
• You are worth anything
• You are still my home
• I really am ready

Happy New Year, everyone. Make it count. Do what you do. Live your life. Don't take it too seriously. Let what happens happen and figure out where you fit in all of it. Sometimes taking a step back and observing the way the tides move is the most important part of learning and living. Make mistakes, laugh at yourself, remember where you've been, let it go. Move on. And don't be afraid.

"Je ne les crains pas. C'est pour cela que je suis nee." -Jeanne d'Arc

Look it up.

trimming it down some

In fitting with the streamline theme I plan on working on for the forseeable future, I'm playing a requiem for my parenting blog and moving the stuff on over this way.

The first throwback: Flipping out. It's just something I do from time to time.

life is seldom all rainbows and sunshine. even the happiest people find themselves feeling the cracks in their foundation get larger and larger and suddenly have barely a second to decide whether they want to indulge in an nervous breakdown or not. many people don't want to admit that they have such emotions, let alone show them to others. often, the last people we want to be witness to such a moment of weakness are children, especially our own.

among many of the reasons why we choose not to show our kids such things is believing that we should represent strength and stability to children who are still learning about the world around them and the way they should respond to that world. if mommy and daddy can't handle the stress, why would they think they should be able to?

so when i find myself in the middle of a breakdown i no longer have the strength to fight off and i am unable to get myself into a room that has minimal childish traffic and there's a little boy asking out loud, "why is my mommy crying?" my first instinct is to wipe away my tears and pretend everything is okay. then i realize that no amount of hiding myself now is going to change the fact that i was already caught. kane starts offering me candy, telling me not to cry and then looks knowingly at his daddy and says, "mommy just needs to lie down." (son, mommy needs to lie down for several years...)i start to wonder about the effects this will have on my son. and then i realize that just as with all things, such a spectacle should be accompanied by one very important thing: communication.

when the shoe is on the other foot and kane or drew find themselves too upset to function, i neither ignore nor coddle. i try to remember that this is not some animal to train but a human being with real emotions, valid whether we like to think they are or not. i do my best to redirect their frustration and try to calm them down, using words to express those feelings when applicable. these aren't things only children can benefit from. these are things we all need. and what could be more comforting to such a young child than knowing that mommy and daddy get upset sometimes too.

before the wave of emotion even passes i make sure that when my son is trying to understand how i feel and why i'm crying, i acknowledge his questions and accept his help. if he feels he can comfort me, it stands to reason that it will make him more inclined to let me comfort him. when i am able to be calm and speak reasonably, i confirm what he's already beginning to understand: adults cry when they are sad, too. i let him know it's okay. i let him know that being sad is momentary and i will now always be this way. i let him know that we can make decisions and look at the world more positively and start to feel better. and i let him know that everyone needs help and comfort sometimes.

there's no shame in showing weakness to your children. there's nothing wrong with letting them know that you are just like them. it's a raw form of communication that shows them what you may not be able to "just tell". and communication when expressed appropriately is never a bad thing.

let them play again...

...in some other way, and let them be happy."

that was quoted from the afterword of a scanner darkly, one of my favorite novels by my favorite science fiction writer, philip k. dick. a scanner darkly is a semi-autobiographical novel about drug use and drug culture. the novel, itself, is not the central point to this specific blog. the afterword, however, is one of several inspirations for me to post this entry.

the above quote referred to a list of some of the author's loved ones, "some people who were punished entirely too much for what they did." (copyright philip k. dick, 1977) these people were addicts, as dick once was as well. "what they did" was drugs. their punishment was the natural effects of the drugs they did. fitting in with the overall theme of the novel, it's an indictment of a society that creates problems, gives us the tools to get through those problems and the reality that some of those tools caused more pain in the end than the very pain those drugs were used to alleviate.

i'm also writing this while watching sober house, a reality program about celebrities living in a house meant to be a transition place between rehab and the real world as they have not experienced it in a long time: as a sober person. i watch these people, some of whom i consider amazingly talented, all of whom have lost close to everything because of their drug use. sadly, part of what they lost is what made them famous. they lost their drive, their ambition, often their talent. very often, they lost the people who aided in their fame: their closest loved ones and fellow collaborators.

people often excuse this drug use and behavior. a person creates a masterpiece be it a song, film, work of literature or visual art and their fans are sometimes quick to believe that drugs were an integral part of that work. often, it can be. my own experiences with drugs have either relaxed me to approach what i was doing with ease and less stress; or energized me so that i could keep up with the demands of an overladen schedule; and sometimes it felt as though it opened my mind to consider and appreciate ideas i wouldn't normally have when sober. the last of those mentioned effects have been spoken about ad nauseum.

talent is talent. inspiration comes from the mind and from experiences. and it can be argued that without those experiences, some of our favorite works -- a scanner darkly, for example -- would never have been created and we would never have the benefit of enjoying such works. consider, then, what the artists' intentions were when in the midst of conceptualization. consider, then, what a huge insult it is to the artists when people believe such talent comes mainly or even partially from drug use. several tests have been done to study and record the effects of various drugs on artists. an overwhelming majority of them reported some sort of improvement in their craft in technique, approach and content. but what degree of improvement was there? what would patrons and consumers think of the difference between sober pieces and those that were created under the influence?

on top of everything else, people see correlation between talent and drug use without attempting to understand the effects those drugs have had on their lives as a whole. i have yet to encounter any artist in any field who functioned better, as a whole, in the duration of their lives and all aspects of it, when under the influence.

i have met people, mostly amateur artists, who claim they have drug use to thank for any part of their lives whether they had talent or not. all of those people were still under the notion that what they did was good, inspired and worth notice. none of them realized how wrong they were. personally, not only does that show me a person who is living under a delusion that they have achieved one thing or another when they haven't, but it shows me a person who was not strong or sane enough to handle drugs in the first place. they were never better for the use. they were, in fact, worse than before and before, they weren't that good to begin with.

it further makes me consider my past drug use and the drug use of people i love or once loved dearly. it brings me to a deeper and darker part of my mind and causes me to recollect on all of our experiences, together and individually. i don't often share my personal experiences with people who know me and i don't intend to here either. if you know me and want to know, you can just ask. i also won't share the intimate details of loved ones whose lives have been ravaged by drug use.

details are not needed to illustrate what i believe most people already know but are too scared to acknowledge. they are fearful of seeming straight, conservative, rigid or boring. they are fearful of admitting that with their experimentation and curiosity they are leaving out some of the most painful and scary parts of use. they are fearful of what their friends may think while all these friends are just as blind, just as deluded.

people make mistakes. people turn to drugs for so many reasons. life is not normally pleasant. sometimes it's damn exhausting and soul crushing. sometimes we hurt so much that we turn to different things to make the pain go away. we don't want to feel unhappy in the real world so we decide to turn to other things to make us happy in our own minds. no person who's lived that life for long has ever been happy, truly. no person who lives in their fantasy can appreciate reality. no person who has escaped that fantasy has been able to instantly leave that made up world and face the real one with integrity and dignity. the slow and arduous path to sobriety is often the most difficult journey a person can make.

some people just want to know. they want to figure out the hype. they are curious. they see their friends indulge and they hear stories of their experiences. very often, especially with infrequent or initial use, those experiences are interesting and enjoyable. so they want to have that experience, too. they want to experiment. and they never consider what will happen when that experience is over and they realize how much of their life they squandered away, either the days spent outside of reality or the days they have lost out on when their health starts to deteriorate.

all things considered, i sound a bit hypocritical. and truthfully, i am. but there's still one more side to it. when it comes to drug culture i first and foremost believe that one cannot consider himself to be a part of that culture until he's seen or experienced close to all of the effects of drug use and addiction, the good, the bad and the very, very ugly.

as we lose people we love day to day and attend more funerals and comfort more people for those losses, we think about the events that led to that loss. in most cases we are witness to lives and deaths that were not the fault of those who passed. death from drug use, however, belongs in the hands of the user alone. as dick said, "they wanted to have a good time, but they were like children playing in the street; they could see one after another--run over, maimed, destroyed--but they continued to play anyhow."

remember all those people: loved ones, friends, strangers and idols who enjoyed a brief moment of joy and lost everything they had because they couldn't stop playing. remember their legacy and that part of it is allowing you a glimpse into a troubled mind and life that was too sensitive for this fucked up world. consider that most of them would not want you to idolize and replicate their mistakes that were interpreted to be part of their greatest accomplishments. consider that those works that move and touch you also should also teach and motivate you. consider that the best way to remember and honor them is to learn from them and live the life they didn't. appreciate the world around you through clear and open eyes. appreciate what you were given and make the best of it.

but also remember that although this is an affliction that we have brought onto ourselves, that this world, by nature, supplies the very things that hurt us most and disguises them as the one thing that can make everything better. remember that the punishment all of us receive was not only brought on by choice and action but also by cruelty and irony. remember that underneath everything is a person who feels and hurts. remember that underneath is a person who deserves love and a person who can love.

in closing, i'd like to take my cue from dick. i'd like to remember the people who were very big parts of my life, those i may not have known but whose lives touched those of the people i love most, who also paid too dearly for what they did:


to c.f., deceased
to m.g., permanent liver damage
to a.d., deceased
to d.d., deceased
to d.f., deceased
to r.t., missing, permanent brain damage
to j.q., permanent brain damage
to c.s., incarcerated, permanent liver damage
to a.b., permanent psychosis
to m.s., permanent psychosis
to everyone else who've lost any function of life or life, itself, to drug use
to those who've lost their loved ones to drug use
to those struggling to save those they love
to those struggling to save themselves
to those who struggle still, even while sober
to those who relapse and face the demons they fought so long to keep at bay
to those who don't realize, yet, how much they've lost

preemptive strike on broken new year resolutions

The new year is upon us and with it comes the desire to make resolutions. And with that come the promises one often breaks more often than any other promise made. We try our hardest to take other's secrets to the grave, fulfill the requests of loved ones who need our help and support and remember how strong the word "promise" should be. But we break the promises we make to ourselves. We either sacrifice or indulge when it comes to our own desires when really, those are the few promises we should stay faithful to.

Last year my resolution was simple: Lowered expectations. What kind of expectations?

I expect mutuality and reciprocation. I will try to compromise and give you the things you want if there's effort on your part to do the same for me. More, I expect only a certain degree of that reciprocation. It would be nice if you could try to understand the two things I ask of you when you give me a long list of things you need from me. I don't expect you to bake me a last-minute birthday cake, completely free of charge, as I did for you. But a simple, "Happy Birthday" would have been nice. I expect that my step-son be treated equally as my biological children. Alternately, I also expect people to treat my children the same way they would treat their older brother. I expect people to respect that my husband and I are our children's only parents and therefor, we make the rules. I expect that when I try to explain something to you that you listen to every word I say. I expect you to only consider the words I am saying without making assumptions. I expect even more when those words are not said, but written. I expect you to carefully read every word in an email, letter or other kind of message and I expect an attempt to understand those words. I expect people of a given vocation to respect the works of others of that vocation. I don't expect you to laugh at and insult the efforts of those who have probably worked harder and achieved more than you could hope to in all your life time. I expect mutuality and reciprocation even when it does not involve me. I expect to engage in debates with people who know what they are talking about. I don't expect loosely-based observations and anecdotes as proof. I expect people to understand the difference between the ideas of lay-people and the ideas of experts. I expect people to get the facts before they spread propaganda. I expect people to protest against things only when they understand them. I don't expect antagonism before you even know what you are actually speaking out against. I expect logic. I expect people of a certain age to understand widely known phenomena. But I still expect a certain degree of rechecking the facts before talking about that phenomena. I expect that if you are going to ridicule the actions of others, you choose not to take part in a similar action. I expect people to have as much of a distaste for hypocrisy as I do.

Actually, those are the things I expected once upon a time and my resolution has been to let go of all of that. Being pleasantly surprised when someone surpasses lowered expectations is much better than the disappointment felt when people do not meet expectations. I also realize that sometimes we don't know what we're doing when we're doing it. I'm clearly not above that. I know that some of my disappointment was at situations run by people who did not know what the consequences of their actions were. I also know that everyone else has their own expectations and their own lives, each with an entirely separate sequence of events and moments that have shaped who they are in a way completely different from my own life's experiences. Why should others live up to my expectations? They have their own lives to worry about. Thus, lowered expectations allows all of us to simply live the lives we need to in order to get through this mess.

This coming year I have a new one. It's actually phase 2 of the previous year's with a similar goal. Streamline. Efficiency. Simplify. And mostly, appreciate.

This is regarding any social sphere I am, have been or could potentially be a part of. In 2010 I plan to cut my losses, move on from acquaintances that are more trouble than they are worth, understand that no one is better or worse than the next but simply different and that differences are sometimes just a sign that despite our best efforts - or shoddy efforts, if that be the case - sometimes we just cannot get along.

This was partially inspired by a piece of technology nestled in my mom's room aka the computer room: The computer and all the things it's connected me to.

My computer has afforded me some wonderful connections. I have old classmates online, some of whom I haven't spoken to in years. Some of whom I didn't particularly care for all those years ago. The beauty of it all is that despite the fact that it once again shows my age, we've all grown and matured and lived long enough to get the hell over it. These virtual strangers have become my friends. And we would say hi to each other face to face now, all because we've made a reconnection in a more comfortable place and stuck to it.

There are very close loved ones I haven't seen in a long time and if life permitted, we'd still desperately love to live closer to one another so that sharing our lives wasn't done so over oceans and expanses of land.

There are people who live right around the corner. But life is busy. Our calender's are full. We have things pulling us in many different directions and getting together is rather difficult. So we pop in every now and then with a few taps on the keyboard or mobile, simultaneously juggling work, parenthood, marriage, etc.

In that group are friends I've never even known in real life. We found each other via the web, connected by similar lives and interests. Very few make an impact but I'm lucky to have known them.

We've developed or maintained a glimpse of our recent lives, shared in eachother's blessings and accomplishments and offered support with a few lines when life was more difficult and less joyous. We've had good conversations over a few beers, laughed at each others' jokes, stories and antics. We've mingled in groups, making our way from one person to another, making sure we've covered all of our bases.

And that's all been worth it. But that doesn't cover the acquaintances that haven't been.

Mutual interests aren't enough of a link when we are otherwise so different that whatever link we have is overshadowed by personalities that just don't mix. There are virtual connections to strangers over the Internet that sadly do nothing but reinforce every stereotype and preconceived notion we've had about "those kinds of people". There is the family we choose and the family we are born to and most of the time, the family we are born to has a natural love for us and has been given enough time to further develop that love. But sometimes we realize that blood is not strong enough to give fuel to that love. I've had co-workers who are so awesome that all others pale in comparison. We learn that that kind of connection is natural and cannot be forced. We learn that sometimes the place where we work is just that and nothing more. There are faces of the past who still live there, who have not matured enough to forget what had happened or realize that not only do those things not matter, but they never did. And of course there are those who don't meet those expectations I mentioned.

Sometimes we just move on, knowing that the connections we have are enough, knowing that we will make even more connections as we grow and live. It's a milder form of cutting ties and burning bridges. It's knowing that some things are worth the effort and others are not and in a world of over six-billion people, there are certain things that are and always will be true. No one is alone, not even those who desire nothing but solitude, as we have the influences of the many who came before us in a world shaped by people presently here. We have friends and family and all kinds of acquaintances who fill our world with experiences that would not have been possible without them. They are worth the attempt to make new connections. But when new connections don't work out, then that's okay. Look forward to the next meeting and the next person ready to contribute to your world as you contribute to theirs. But don't stress the fact that some people won't make the cut. Don't stress that sometimes you won't make theirs.

And on top of anything else, appreciate what you do have because no matter what it is, you have been blessed.